Saturday, March 31, 2007

Missed Connection at Walter Reed.

You: the super hot guy at Walter Reed in the army uniform.

Me: Sitting in the leather chair trying to not fall asleep.

You walked up to me and grinned, and were clearly going to strike up a conversation when someone called you back to your duties....probably a good thing because all I could think of at the moment was "Hi, I want to bear your children please."

Call me?

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes...

I'm pretty sure I just missed a gang fight outside my house. There was ALOT of yelling and screaming, I could hear it inside through my cement walls. I was kinda scared to look out the window. But when I finally HAD to know what the hell the commotion was all about, I looked outside to see a cop car rolling down my block and people scattering in all directions. It reminded me of high school....

Just another one of my many tales from the ghetto.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Dear Stomach: Please Stop.

I've decided I am not a fan of waking up on the bathroom floor. Which is where I spent most of the day today because I was scared to be more than 6 inches from the toilet at all times. Next time, I'm going to opt for a bucket next to my bed. At least then my back won't be as angry when I wake up. I finally ate around 11pm tonight, apparently my stomach decided it could handle a meal of oatmeal and green beans. All in all it was a successful meal, seeing as I haven't seen it twice yet.

This weekend I learned just how manipulative my two brothers are. We were all in the car on Sunday night, and as what I am told is an everyday occurrence, they start wailing on each other in the car. Mom gets tired of it, yells at them to stop, several times, and after a while, Jordan decides to give it a rest (I think the threat of not getting Outback for dinner really worked....because men really do value their meat and potatoes). Zach however had other ideas. He starts hitting himself and whining "Jordan, MOM TOLD YOU TO STOP!" I nearly died trying to contain my laughter. The lengths these two will go to get the other one in trouble is beyond my comprehension.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

We're officially in the backstretch baby...

Time spent on finding a decent strapless bra: 3 hours
Time spent finding shoes that won't kill me: 4 hours
Time spent altering bridesmaid's dress: 1 hour.

The bra is on the tight side (at least it won't fall), the shoes will kill me even though the heel is unusually low (I actually settled on the same pair of shoes I wore in the LAST wedding I was in...but lost somehow), and the dress needed $110 worth of alterations due to the fact that I lost at least 15 lbs. Total damage so far to be outfitted for this wedding: around $320.

Number of weddings I'll agree to be in after this one: ZERO.

I swear I'm eloping. I'm just no good at this wedding stuff. I will say this though, I'm very proud of my sister, for being pretty calm and avoiding the title of "Bridezilla". I realize this could be much worse.

I think my parents are beginning to feel it too, because between the 3 of us we were able to extinguish almost and entire bottle of Jack Daniels stowed away on top of the fridge.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

It doesn't take much.

Seriously, every week Blake Lewis's pants turn me on more and more. I have never seen anyone rock plaid golf pants so hard in my life.

Things that made me laugh last week:

1.The video for "Parents Just Don't Understand" (the things that prompt me to look for stuff on YouTube is unreal)
2. DC's "Eastern Motors" commercial (if you live in DC you KNOW what I'm talking about. after all, your job is your credit)
3. "Now I want meat"
4. R2D2 Mailboxes (its true, as of March 28 look for them on your local street corner)
5. (particularly the picture of Chuck taking a dump in the snow. Go doggie go. although the reference to Cetaphil resembling sperm was hilarious too)
6. That quote on Scrubs "I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it"
7. Text message blunders.
8. The local news (particularly the story about how to cure gay babies in the womb)
9. A phone call who's main purpose was to update me on Britney Spears.
10. Duke losing in the first round of the NCAA Tourney.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The best presents come in disguise.

This time the disguise was a huge Pampers box. Maybe there should have been a Pamper in it however because I almost wet myself with joy when I opened it. Amongst the packing peanuts, and the airbags (which in themselves always amuse me. I bust out one of my sharpies and make airbag people out of them. And they are all named Gaudeloupe) I discovered the following:

1 box Samoas
1 box Thin Mints
2 packages Fuzzy Peaches
2 Boxes Rice Krispies Treats Cereal
2 packages of Peeps
1 Christmas book, I promise to share with my future children
1 sign that I should wear around my neck in public at all times.
1 bottle of Cinnamon Buns shampoo
1 32 oz bottle of Heinz ketchup (clearly only the best)

I will not be dining on oatmeal and water this week. This week I eat in style. My sugar drought is clearly over. I literally kissed the beautiful family picture enclosed inside from one of my best friends in the entire world.

Also, I found out today that in the past few weeks, I have lost approximately 15 lbs. These things make up for everything that previously had gone wrong for me today in a big way.

As I danced around the room like a 6 year old on Christmas morning, Jason shook his head and cursed Alea for shipping me the legal equivalent of a box of cocaine.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Parents just don't understand.

Today my 13 year old brother asked me, "Kristina, when are you coming over to visit again"

"Well, not this weekend, but next weekend I'm coming over for Jordan's birthday"

His response, "Oh I'm sorry. You are going to have to be put through the horror of seeing his face, he got uglier over time. I didn't think it was possible, but apparently, it is."

He then proceeded to tell me how much more of a ladies man he was over Jordan. Actually, I believe the word he used was "playa". Did I mention he's only 13?

He also lamented some of the woes only a true teenager can about the decline of his social life due to the involvement of my parents.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The day just keeps on givin'.

Oh my god tv is so great tonight. I love the news so much right now.

Story coming up: "High ranking church official admits babies could be born gay. What HE thinks should be done before they ever leave the womb coming up at 11."

Update: I was totally hoping for a statement on abortion as a solution, but the "official" gave me something almost as good. He hopes that medication delivered in utero can eventually be administered to change the outcome of an unborn child's sexual orientation.

God must be so proud.

Help Wanted:

I'm currently looking for someone to run damage control over my life. Someone to screen my phone calls, emails, IMs, and most recently text messages for embarrassing content and correct recipients. On a weekly basis its reinforced that me communicating with the public, is just NOT a good idea in general. An even worse one when I'm drunk, but that's another story entirely. This weeks social blunder included this gem:

A text message to my ex stating the following: I told him I was hormonal, hemorrhaging, I had a thing for a Justin Timberlake song, that I owned some Britney Spears, and I was incredibly turned on by Ryan Secrests purple silk tie tonight on American Idol. (what am I 16??)

As if that wasn't randomly embarrassing enough, the text was not even supposed to go to him, but rather to a friend in an attempt at some ill fated humor.

I'm sure to be getting a phone call tonight telling me, "You know there is a list of reasons why we broke up, and EVERYTHING on that text is definitely on that list".

Insert the chorus of Handels Messiah here....

When I become rich....and when I say "when" I'm really saying "never".....I am going to invest in the shower of my dreams. It's going to be as big as the entire bathroom I have now. I'm putting a lounge chair inside that shit, and a shelf that will suffice as a place to put the vodka. It's going to have amazing showerheads, and quite possibly a tv. And then, every time I so desire, or when that time of the month rolls around I'm going to live in there. And when I come out, the maid will have put clean silk sheets on the bed and a chocolate on my pillow. And by the "maid" I mean whatever male I am choosing to spend my life with at that moment.

Also, I will never be out of ketchup.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Is experience knowledge?

I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

I know I'm not the only one out there with a dysfunctional family.

But, just the same, I have emotional baggage from it. Throw in the freaky religious connotations, and the situation just gets more complicated by the moment. This year I'm the maid of honor in my sister's wedding, and I couldn't be more honored to be that. I'd give anything of myself for ANY of my siblings without thinking twice about it. The whole religion thing though has me second guessing whether that courtesy would ever be returned however. When it comes to such things, I'm definitely the pariah of just about everyone I've grown up around. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hear one of your childhood friends tell you "I like you and all, but we can't be friends like we used to, because you don't hold the exact same beliefs as I do"? And imagining one of my siblings drawing that line with Does it ever get easier, finding out who you are, especially when it means giving up everything you've always known?

At least it reinforces the type of family I want to produce someday. Religion is good and all, but unless you are willing to broaden your horizons and experience what life is really all about, don't commit yourself to something without understanding the full spectrum of whats being offered to you. Isn't it amazing how the loss of one special person can stick with you through the years, and make you stop and think about everything you desire and strive to be like? I have had to learn so much the hard way, and I've lost freinds, but there is only one loss thats taught me so much when emerging from the other side of that tunnel of confusion. I think I get why I needed to learn that lesson now.

How many things have I seen because I've allowed myself to be a part of something? I can't even number it. We were given so much more than a book tells us about....limiting yourself to that is cheating yourself out of the real beauty of experience.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
- Rascal Flatts

Sunday, March 11, 2007

After all that debating....

I'm thinking.....

on my inner wrist. yes or no.......i'm thinking hell yes. Now all I need is the extra money, the place, and someone I can recruit into being my support while I get it done. The only way I could be more excited, is if I were getting this done tomorrow.

Friday, March 9, 2007

"We'll just wing it".

Anyone who knows anything about me at all knows I never just "wing it". I'm down for the occasional last minute plan from time to time. But the idea of just wandering around the city trying to figure out where to eat in the middle of prime time dinner hour? Not my idea of fun. I'm a planner plain and simple. I may just plan to "wing" my fist right into his face if I don't get fed and drunk in a timely fashion tomorrow. Perhaps pushing him into actual oncoming traffic this time would get my point across.

Is it neurotic of me to feel this way?

Thursday, March 8, 2007

My father's infinite wisdom strikes again.

I told him that I hadn't told my grandmother I was interviewing for the job today. His response:

"well, its like I told you when you were pregnant, not to tell everyone.....because if you don't get the job, it wont be as disappointing, you know, like when you lost the baby."

WOW. Greatest analogy ever, right? Because I know that I compare not getting a job, to the fact that I lost my child all the time.....

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Vag, you can go to hell.

I can not seem to consistently get food into that gaping hole in my face for the life of me. Seriously, I miss my mouth WAY too much for anyone with motor stills of someone over 3 years old. I should just fling food in my general direction from now on and hope some of it hits my face. What the fuck?

I had another conversation that translated into IM platinum today:

[20:40] vermontchickie: vagina
[20:40] vermontchickie: lol
[20:40] ashglunk: i have one of those
[20:40] vermontchickie: me too!
[20:40] ashglunk: i rather like mine, when its being used.
[20:41] vermontchickie: otherwise, it can go to hell
[20:41] ashglunk: when it chooses to bleed, i have no use for it

Monday, March 5, 2007

A change in tactics perhaps?

Being uncharacteristically aggressive certainly has its payouts. I should have played the " I guarantee I'll blow your mind" card waaaayyyy before now. Too bad it's only paying out when he's not 3000 miles across the country.

And I love it how people keep reminding me to shave my legs. I know I'm not the most girly girl out there....but when I have company coming over, I damn well know when to shave my legs!

Mon petit pamplemousse.

He would wake me up every morning to "good morning sunshine"...mostly because "sunshine" is the last thing I am in the morning. But I really loved it. He also used to call me "my little grapefruit" in french, and that would get me too. Now, he just says "hey bitch".

And, I'm ok with that.

Sometimes I miss the loud snoring at 2am. I think its because I got to release some aggression when I would beat the crap out of him to make him stop. For whatever reason, even though I like my space, I prefer not to wake up alone.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Stranger than your sympathy.....

It was bittersweet tonight. Dinner- Good. Getting drunk- always good. Stand up Comedian- great. Watching someone you realize you still do love get into his car and drive away-- bittersweet.

Don't get me wrong, I've accepted the fact that its over, and I appreciate the friendship we still have. But watching him leave tonight...for some reason reminded me of all the good times in our 5 years together.

Then again it's possible this is also just my sex drive in over-kill talking.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Things I've done this week

  1. Told a family member to fuck off.
  2. Eaten pizza 4 times in 4 days.
  3. Been way too sensitive over something that I normally would let roll off my back.
  4. Possibly killed a friendship with my nervous breakdown outbursts.
  5. Informed the last guy I slept with that well, last time sucked and next time would blow his mind (now thats either incredibly hot of me to say, or it just reinforces how much of a nutcase I really am at the moment and I'll never hear from him again)
  6. Tripped on my own pants while going up the stairs.

Productive? Not so much.

Nothing but the rocks below.

It's all true. I've hit the point where I've completely lost my mind. There's a definite point where you can say "This is the moment where it happened. Everything leading up to this was bad, but this is the moment where I actually fell off the cliff."

The only real question I have now is this: Are there going to be any branches to grab onto this time on the way down?