Monday, October 1, 2007

Downward spiral?

So...... my birthday is in exactly 29 days. And all I can think is, "is this how its gonna be until I finally give up the ghost and die?" I'm not sure exactly what I expected out of my life, ever. I think first and foremost, I'm surprised I'm still alive. Sad as it sounds, I honestly thought I would be dead by now. How morbid was I to be thinking at 12 "I don't really have to plan THAT far ahead....its not like I'm planning on making it past 25 anyway."? Well, I'm 2 years past that monument, and still kicking. Only problem is....I haven't figured out why yet.

I really hope I have an epiphany this month because I really need some answers.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Fortune Cookie Wisdom.

"You will be showered with good luch".

No, thats not a typo, my fortune cookie from my chinese last night actually said that. So I went bed shopping to test out my new luch, and holy shit, the cookie's insight was true, because I purchased a new bed for half the retail price. A bed that as soon as I laid down on it, I wanted to strap it to my back, box spring and all, and walk it home with me out of the store. However, stores are fickle and apparently want to deliver it and set it up for free themselves, so I'll be waiting till next Sunday to let in the choir of angels that surround my new mattress. I just hope they don't drown out the TV.

In unrelated but disturbing news, I witnessed someone pick up not one, but TWO crickets with their bare hands out of my room on Friday. One of these crickets I had trapped in a box for a week, and IT WAS STILL ALIVE. I'm never going to be the same after witnessing that bare handed bravery though. Just this morning I smashed another one under a huge book in the middle of the room. I'm still scared to look under the book.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The war on terror.

I'm pretty sure the ghetto attracts just as many bugs to take up permanent residence as the forest does. I know this because every year come summertime I wage war with the crickets as to who gets to live in my place, me or them. The year we paid for terminx all summer was the easiest summer of my life.

Most who know me, know I'm terrified insects period. The idea that they are lurking in the corners of my room is enough to give me nightmares for a week. And as the weather gets warmer, the bastards think they have a right to live in my house. For two summers I lived with a cricket that chirped all night in a hole in my wall. Finally we cemented that fucker in, and he hasn't been heard from since. But somehow they still keep coming. This summer's greatest surprise to date was last week, when I went to put on my shoes to leave for work and I felt something foreign in there. I tipped the shoe upside down, and the biggest cricket I have ever seen in my life hopped out of my usual weapon of choice (besides my huge nursing textbooks). I think a part of me died when I saw it. I'm never going to be the same

In the past week alone the death toll is Crickets: 6, Kris: 0. As much as these home wreckers instill fear in me, I AM STILL WINNING. So crickets, you may as well move on out, because I promise, my toilet has room to flush you straight to hell for many many years to come.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It's true. I haven't died.

My new job comes with a desk, phone, computer and a gas mask. Because thats how we roll at the Pentagon.

On my first day they evacuated the place. Nice introduction huh? Since then I've done a lot of standing in lines for fingerprinting, ID's and passwords. Also a lot of telling people "I'm new so I have no idea what you are talking about." And this whole referring to everyone by their last name thing because everyone is military-- annoying. Mostly because I can barely pronounce the names to begin with. Let alone remember rank. For every single branch.

It's not bad overall though. Everyone I work with is friendly. I just need to fake liking people more or something. Seeing as its my job to take care of them and stuff. I'm lucky enough to have someone thats been keeping me from not being so overwhelmed though, by listening to me babble my entire lunch hour, or while standing in line. Things like that make them pretty awesome.

Friday, June 22, 2007


I'm sitting outside today when this gem of intelligence crosses my mind:

Why do you not see as much bird shit on the sidewalk like you do on cars? Coincidence? I think not.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

I've hit a wall.

I feel like I have been neglecting my updating as of late. I'm pretty sure I've been afflicted with "writers block" or something. It's not that things haven't been going on, and heaven knows I can still run my mouth to people with no problem. In fact, I've had several great conversations with a few people over the past couple of weeks. I've learned that I have people around me that really care, no matter how much of a mess I am.

So, all of you, THANKS! I love you all.

and for my question of the month.....Is it the 26th yet?

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Ode to the Spaghettio.

I realized something today. Every time Isabel and I see each other there ends up being a lot of spaghettios that are consumed. And after I'm home alone, I continue to eat them for about 2 weeks. I think its my way of coping with being sad. So now by association spaghettios = Isabel.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Two in a week? Summertime!

5 guys, midnight, on the street corner outside my house when I arrived home last night. 5 min later, two gunshots, and shortly thereafter cops looking for witnesses. Good times in the ghetto.

To my knowledge, no one died. I'm guessing they were a bad shot.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Ball and Chain.

Erin's wedding is today. More to come at a later time, but so far we've already been privileged to a drunken show by an uncle of mine. I'm sure the stories from this shindig will be epic.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Tales of the Ghetto #1020

So Christine dropped by my house to drop off some presents for me, because she's awesome like that. It was about 11pm and warm enough to hang out and chat in my stairwell, so......we did. Well mid chat I saw something that nearly caused me to wet my pants in fright. A RAT ran across my driveway, not 3ft from where poor Christine was sitting. Not like an ordinary rat either. This rat totally had been munching on steroids left over by one of the various drug dealers I am sure inhabit my neighborhood. It took everything in my being not to shriek and inspire someone to call the cops on my ass. Needless to say, we vacated the area IMMEDIATELY.

Stupid rats. I swear my area is so high class I can hardly stand it.

I've got skills!

I think maybe I need to go into the proofreading business. I'm going to take on my 3rd request this week to look over a resume and cover letter for a friend. And I WANT to do it too.

Damn me and my anal retentive English skills.

The dangers of insomnia.

It's 3 am, and I've yet to wear myself out.

Today I:

1. Discussed my phobia of making phone calls with my therapist. I'm pretty sure I stumped her with my aversion to it, and the lengths I will go to in order NOT to make calls.
2. Took a walk
3. Cleaned my room. It no longer looks like a bomb went off. Not to worry though, it still looks as ghetto as always. I think I put the vacuum cleaner into shock though with all the mess. It actually made noises that I think translated into a bitch fest over it.
4. Detail cleaned the bathroom. I actually got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the floor and shower!
5. Re synced my Ipod, and the iTunes on my phone. New jammin' playlist for me!
6. Sang along to the entire 10th Anniversary Cast recording of Les Miserables.
7. Sorted all my socks. When I managed to acquire so many matchless socks is beyond me. Even my new ones suddenly have partners missing. GRR.
8. Sent an insane amount of texts. I gotta get that under control.
9. Left a shitload of presents for the trash man tomorrow on the curb.

Things I did not do today:

1. Drink. See what happens when I'm sober? I act like I've injected my veins with crystal meth.
2. Make those damned phone calls I'm so phobic about.
3. Get a job. Would someone employ me PLEASE? I'm running out of domestic things to do.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Hey there Delilah...

Mother's day.

It's been a little strange. On the positive end, I had my first ever nice conversation with my mother that lasted more than 4 min. We talked for 45, like civil, related people who actually were interested in each other. I hope this is the start of something better than the last 26 years.

As of late, things have actually been OK with my stepmother also. After all those years of horrible memories, we're finally saying things that should have been said years ago, and I'm more comfortable letting her into my life as it is now. Honestly, I never thought I'd see this day, where I would write that. It's not all better, the past is something you always have to live with....but change is progress.

Last, on my sad note, I do think about the 3 year old that was to be mine, and it's still sobering for me 3 years later to think about. I can't be the only mother that wasn't to still have moments of sadness right? Funny to think that the wild child I was still wants the family, the house in the 'burbs, and the place in the PTA. That and to be able to kill a bottle of wine every once in a while with friends like a civilized person.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

A brief moment of lucidity.

[10:32] ashglunk13: [10:31] K: guys are dumb.. aren't they? :)
[10:31] ashglunk13: ya'll are retards
[10:31] ashglunk13: its more like they have their own brand of manipulation, different from women
[10:32] ashglunk13: based on feigned ignorance, rather than calculated emotional response.

[10:33] cvandaniker: haha....i love it
[10:34] ashglunk13: i thought you would like that description. i was rather proud of the fact if came out of my mouth
[10:34] cvandaniker: i am too
[10:34] ashglunk13: unfortunately.......this proves i am capable of forming coherent thought before noon
[10:35] ashglunk13: thus negating my argument that i should be allowed to sleep till noon everyday

I hear the secrets that you keep.....when you're talking in your sleep.

One of my many phobic issues happen to be with bugs. Sitting outside last night I became convinced that there was a bee hive filled with golf ball sized bees nesting in the bottom side of the patio. Apparently this thought haunted me into my dreams.

I dreamt that I had gone outside with a flashlight to investigate the hive, and upon shining it in the hive, I discovered I was right. Goddamn golf ball sized bees. And I KNEW they were plotting to gather and army and terrorize me and the rest of the human population. Then I discovered something more horrifying. The leader of the bees was NOT a football sized queen be, but rather a HUGE scorpion. And overlord of sorts I'm guessing. Anyway, the whole situation scared me so bad I woke up screaming and in a cold sweat.

After I calmed down, I went back to sleep only to dream of continuing the fight I had with my ex earlier in the evening. I hate men that seep into my subconscious like that.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Dear 1985: Stay Dead

Heaven knows I love the 80's like none other. Ask my ipod. It'll tell you. But this has been bugging me. Something that should have died with the 80's and STAYED there is the fashion. The pants underneath skirt deal (yes, leggings are in this category too)....should NOT have been resurrected. The layered "Bag Lady" look (think crazy girl from the Breakfast Club), should not be seen out in public as a cool fashion statement. And today, I saw no less than 3 side ponytails roaming the streets. How come no one told me they were back?

The point I am making is: Please Stop. My childhood thanks you.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

There's no place like home.

I spend a lot of time wanting to be other places, other than here.

But I won't deny the fact that I am a total city girl. Living in a big city is almost a rush I can't explain. And I'm definitely lucky to be a DC girl. All the best sights are free, and it's still got that "big city" feel. I talk about my annoyance of the subway, but in reality, I love the traffic and the "hustle and bustle" attitude of the system.

I love the monuments in the spring, and particularly at night. I love the fact that good seafood is only a restaurant or market away. I'm not landlocked, the beach is only a drive away. The people here are opinionated to a fault, but where else can you find such political diversity with passion? We all know that despite our political beliefs, we'll be hailing the same cab to the metro as the next person.

I have to say though, I wish the city cared as much about it's people as the people care for the city.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Not that he ever takes my advice anyway....

My father has been having computer issues. Let me correct that to say he ALWAYS has computer issues. And he NEVER trusts me to fix them right, even though I prove over and over I know my shit. Last night was no exception. I came through, and he turned around and question everything I did. In the form of calling up someone else and giving them the blow by blow account of the issue, that had most definitely already been resolved. I walked out. I'm done giving him advice. His computer can stay broken for all I care anymore.

However this morning he starts asking me computer related questions AGAIN. In an effort to just get the conversation over with I responded:

"Buy a mac."

"Don't macs run off Windows too?"

"Uh, no dad, totally different OS"

"But you still get to things on the computer by clicking around onto little pictures right?"

"You mean icons?"

"No, I mean those little pictures on the desktop put your mouse over them and click."

I give up. Tech support work is DEFINITELY not for me.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Insert various Billy Joel lyics here.....

Is change good? I think it's highly subject to interpretation. It's pretty accurate to say I've had more going on my life in the past month than I've been used to. It seems that every once in a while I snap and that party girl that rears her head every so often comes out. It's kinda like an outlet for me in a sense, to finally let loose for a while. I let loose and then I get a grip after a while. I've found that in the long run, I don't have many regrets, because I always emerge from things with a new perspective on life. My life is highly based on experience, and stupid or not, I can't take some things back.

Some things don't change though. I've sorta fallen short on a couple things lately, but it has nothing to do to with people in general. It's more about me trying to find my balance once again. The story of my life right?

The internet can be your best friend, or it can make you realize how distant you are from those you care for the most.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

A musing on my life...

All I can say is Jesus H. Christ has so much happened lately. It's been one of those times where I just don't think I can put it into words, but I don't think I will ever forget the past week if my life depended on it. I have spent so much time being a hermit the past couple years I almost forgot what having an actual life has felt like.

It's funny how such a short period of time can totally make you question things in your life once again. Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets. But I've kinda come to a conclusion once again on how I'd really like things to be. For instance, I'm a total tomboy, yet a hopeless romantic at the same time. Is that even possible? I guess it is because that's me in a nutshell. I promise I'll find it amusing if you fart in public, but I'll also melt like putty if you should show up at my door with a flower in hand.

Maybe what I'm getting at is: Be careful with my heart. Because I'm probably too tough to let you know I've been affected by you. However, if you are witty, intelligent and overall different, you've probably gotten me in some way, shape or form.

I've been through way to much to let myself go through shit for just anyone.

Rules for being my friend.

1. Don't bullshit me.
2. I really don't care if you grew up different than I did. Learn from it.
3. Don't try and change me. I'm the way I am for a reason, and basically, I'm ok with that.
4. Don't think I'm going to be what you want me to be. I have my standards, but I also am not your typical female.
5. Seriously people, I don't do drama. If you don't want to hear the truth as I see it, don't ask me.
6. I AM the grammar police. I will call you on your shit if it's bad enough. Consider it a personality flaw.

Friday, April 6, 2007

Salsa....definitely HOT.

On Monday night I was talked into going out....Salsa dancing. SALSA. DANCING. Dancing of any kind for me should totally be forbidden. They had free lessons at the beginning, and I totally had to bail on that because my coordination was completely failing me in all aspects. Instead I hit up the bar and 3 drinks later a guy convinced me to give it a try again, this time with a private lesson. HOLY SHIT was that fun. Finally something clicked, because I now know the basic step to salsa. I spent a lot of time just spectating though, and man was that an experience. I think I'm officially in love with salsa. I have more plans to go again.

Monday, April 2, 2007

A tourist's guide to the DC Metro.

Tourist season is in full force in Washington DC. This week marks the first wave of midwestern families trying to give their kids and educational spring break trip by deciding to visit our nation's capital. I'm going to take the time to type up this little "educational" piece myself, as a guide for those who are choosing to use our subway system as the primary form of transportation for seeing the attractions.

1. On the escalator its RIGHT SIDE STAND, LEFT SIDE WALK. DO NOT STAND ON BOTH SIDES. You may have all day to mosey around the city, but those of us who use the metro to conduct business do not. We still have places to be.
2. When you get on the train MOVE TO THE CENTER OF THE CAR. Especially at big stations such as Gallery Place/Chinatown, where 300 people try to board the train at the same time as you. If the train is full, for the love of all thats good DON'T get will get stuck in the doors and piss off everyone else riding the train.
3. Don't stand at the bottom of the escalator at Woodley Park-Zoo and take pictures of the escalator. You are just begging to be run over by a person in a business suit and tennis shoes. It's and ESCALATOR, not a historical landmark.
4. To the white yuppie 13 year old on the red line listening to his rap so loud everyone can hear it: I heard your mom tell someone your family is from Kentucky, explain to me again what exactly you have in common with 50 Cent? Seriously, I'm more from the ghetto than you'll ever be.
5. Stand back from the train tracks. People have to walk down the platform in front of you. And no one is trying to fall in front of the train because you are too stupid to move.
6. Mt. Vernon Square station is NOT George Washington's home. Research your history....did you really think GW had a plantation in the middle of the city?
7. If a train breaks down and unloads you, don't assume it's a terrorist threat. This happens on a daily basis around here.
8. Don't hold up the turnstile if you can't figure out how to use it. Jamming your paper card into the slot will not make it accept it any better. Step aside and let the flow of traffic with SmartTrip cards through please....once again, we're most likely the working ones and need to keep moving.
9. Teenagers-- learn to give up your seats to pregnant women. I guarantee you they are way more tired than you are.
10. Parents-- Keep you kids under control please. Muzzle them if you have to. Jumping all over the seats and screaming in the train is frowned upon. So are games of tag. And your matching family t-shirts are NOT cute by the way.

If you follow these guidelines, I'll promise to try and tolerate you and not punch you in the face when I'm trying to get home and rest. Enjoy DC bitches.


Saturday, March 31, 2007

Missed Connection at Walter Reed.

You: the super hot guy at Walter Reed in the army uniform.

Me: Sitting in the leather chair trying to not fall asleep.

You walked up to me and grinned, and were clearly going to strike up a conversation when someone called you back to your duties....probably a good thing because all I could think of at the moment was "Hi, I want to bear your children please."

Call me?

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes...

I'm pretty sure I just missed a gang fight outside my house. There was ALOT of yelling and screaming, I could hear it inside through my cement walls. I was kinda scared to look out the window. But when I finally HAD to know what the hell the commotion was all about, I looked outside to see a cop car rolling down my block and people scattering in all directions. It reminded me of high school....

Just another one of my many tales from the ghetto.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Dear Stomach: Please Stop.

I've decided I am not a fan of waking up on the bathroom floor. Which is where I spent most of the day today because I was scared to be more than 6 inches from the toilet at all times. Next time, I'm going to opt for a bucket next to my bed. At least then my back won't be as angry when I wake up. I finally ate around 11pm tonight, apparently my stomach decided it could handle a meal of oatmeal and green beans. All in all it was a successful meal, seeing as I haven't seen it twice yet.

This weekend I learned just how manipulative my two brothers are. We were all in the car on Sunday night, and as what I am told is an everyday occurrence, they start wailing on each other in the car. Mom gets tired of it, yells at them to stop, several times, and after a while, Jordan decides to give it a rest (I think the threat of not getting Outback for dinner really worked....because men really do value their meat and potatoes). Zach however had other ideas. He starts hitting himself and whining "Jordan, MOM TOLD YOU TO STOP!" I nearly died trying to contain my laughter. The lengths these two will go to get the other one in trouble is beyond my comprehension.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

We're officially in the backstretch baby...

Time spent on finding a decent strapless bra: 3 hours
Time spent finding shoes that won't kill me: 4 hours
Time spent altering bridesmaid's dress: 1 hour.

The bra is on the tight side (at least it won't fall), the shoes will kill me even though the heel is unusually low (I actually settled on the same pair of shoes I wore in the LAST wedding I was in...but lost somehow), and the dress needed $110 worth of alterations due to the fact that I lost at least 15 lbs. Total damage so far to be outfitted for this wedding: around $320.

Number of weddings I'll agree to be in after this one: ZERO.

I swear I'm eloping. I'm just no good at this wedding stuff. I will say this though, I'm very proud of my sister, for being pretty calm and avoiding the title of "Bridezilla". I realize this could be much worse.

I think my parents are beginning to feel it too, because between the 3 of us we were able to extinguish almost and entire bottle of Jack Daniels stowed away on top of the fridge.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

It doesn't take much.

Seriously, every week Blake Lewis's pants turn me on more and more. I have never seen anyone rock plaid golf pants so hard in my life.

Things that made me laugh last week:

1.The video for "Parents Just Don't Understand" (the things that prompt me to look for stuff on YouTube is unreal)
2. DC's "Eastern Motors" commercial (if you live in DC you KNOW what I'm talking about. after all, your job is your credit)
3. "Now I want meat"
4. R2D2 Mailboxes (its true, as of March 28 look for them on your local street corner)
5. (particularly the picture of Chuck taking a dump in the snow. Go doggie go. although the reference to Cetaphil resembling sperm was hilarious too)
6. That quote on Scrubs "I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it"
7. Text message blunders.
8. The local news (particularly the story about how to cure gay babies in the womb)
9. A phone call who's main purpose was to update me on Britney Spears.
10. Duke losing in the first round of the NCAA Tourney.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The best presents come in disguise.

This time the disguise was a huge Pampers box. Maybe there should have been a Pamper in it however because I almost wet myself with joy when I opened it. Amongst the packing peanuts, and the airbags (which in themselves always amuse me. I bust out one of my sharpies and make airbag people out of them. And they are all named Gaudeloupe) I discovered the following:

1 box Samoas
1 box Thin Mints
2 packages Fuzzy Peaches
2 Boxes Rice Krispies Treats Cereal
2 packages of Peeps
1 Christmas book, I promise to share with my future children
1 sign that I should wear around my neck in public at all times.
1 bottle of Cinnamon Buns shampoo
1 32 oz bottle of Heinz ketchup (clearly only the best)

I will not be dining on oatmeal and water this week. This week I eat in style. My sugar drought is clearly over. I literally kissed the beautiful family picture enclosed inside from one of my best friends in the entire world.

Also, I found out today that in the past few weeks, I have lost approximately 15 lbs. These things make up for everything that previously had gone wrong for me today in a big way.

As I danced around the room like a 6 year old on Christmas morning, Jason shook his head and cursed Alea for shipping me the legal equivalent of a box of cocaine.