Monday, April 2, 2007

A tourist's guide to the DC Metro.

Tourist season is in full force in Washington DC. This week marks the first wave of midwestern families trying to give their kids and educational spring break trip by deciding to visit our nation's capital. I'm going to take the time to type up this little "educational" piece myself, as a guide for those who are choosing to use our subway system as the primary form of transportation for seeing the attractions.

1. On the escalator its RIGHT SIDE STAND, LEFT SIDE WALK. DO NOT STAND ON BOTH SIDES. You may have all day to mosey around the city, but those of us who use the metro to conduct business do not. We still have places to be.
2. When you get on the train MOVE TO THE CENTER OF THE CAR. Especially at big stations such as Gallery Place/Chinatown, where 300 people try to board the train at the same time as you. If the train is full, for the love of all thats good DON'T get will get stuck in the doors and piss off everyone else riding the train.
3. Don't stand at the bottom of the escalator at Woodley Park-Zoo and take pictures of the escalator. You are just begging to be run over by a person in a business suit and tennis shoes. It's and ESCALATOR, not a historical landmark.
4. To the white yuppie 13 year old on the red line listening to his rap so loud everyone can hear it: I heard your mom tell someone your family is from Kentucky, explain to me again what exactly you have in common with 50 Cent? Seriously, I'm more from the ghetto than you'll ever be.
5. Stand back from the train tracks. People have to walk down the platform in front of you. And no one is trying to fall in front of the train because you are too stupid to move.
6. Mt. Vernon Square station is NOT George Washington's home. Research your history....did you really think GW had a plantation in the middle of the city?
7. If a train breaks down and unloads you, don't assume it's a terrorist threat. This happens on a daily basis around here.
8. Don't hold up the turnstile if you can't figure out how to use it. Jamming your paper card into the slot will not make it accept it any better. Step aside and let the flow of traffic with SmartTrip cards through please....once again, we're most likely the working ones and need to keep moving.
9. Teenagers-- learn to give up your seats to pregnant women. I guarantee you they are way more tired than you are.
10. Parents-- Keep you kids under control please. Muzzle them if you have to. Jumping all over the seats and screaming in the train is frowned upon. So are games of tag. And your matching family t-shirts are NOT cute by the way.

If you follow these guidelines, I'll promise to try and tolerate you and not punch you in the face when I'm trying to get home and rest. Enjoy DC bitches.



Kerry said...

I went to school in DC. Love your post.

Mr. Peeps said...

I am so glad we were on the same page! I love the guide..not that this has anything to do the metro but I love when folks take pictures of the Capitol and call it the White House. That always makes me laugh!

Anonymous said...

Good advice. I'm not sure why it bothers you that a "yuppie white kid" from Kentucky likes 50 Cent, though. Should he only like country music, then? He might actually have a lot in common with 50 Cent for all you know, as I'm sure there is more to 50 Cent than simply being "ghetto."